This is for all the single ladies out there, to make our lives a little more fun and exciting! Not to mention less boring and mundane while you're waiting for your perfect Prince Charming!
The way I see it, we're at a disadvantage a lot of the time. There's a reason God calls a spouse a 'help-meet', because he HELPS you MEET all the needs you can't do! Like heavy lifting, dirty chores (taking out the garbage), yard work (which I loathe), and all those man chores we just weren't prepared for earlier on in life (working on the car). No matter what they say, I think Triple A was formed by a bunch of widow women and single collegiates just because nobody would pull over and help them when their car broke down in the rain.
This is a list I've put together - with a little assistance from some of yall :) - of things we need to be offered, free of charge, until we pair up with someone more testosteroney than we are. The 'bonus package', we'll call it, for being Single Ladies' Club.
For the Home:
• Door-side Garbage Pickup so we don't have to load the heavy bags in the can, lug the heavier can to the end of the driveway, and then chase down the can and lid from wherever the garbage men have let it land.
• Easy open lids on EVERYTHING. Nothing is more frustrating than using everything in your kitchen to try to beat your way into a jar of tomato soup, then finally having to go find somebody with a boyfriend over to borrow his manpower.
For real.
• Home Repair Hotline. Ever had your plumbing break at 2am? Or needed to fix the frozen A/C when your dad was completely unavailable? Yep, every one of us has. So, just like we have 24 hour help lines for our banks, our tech support, and our catalog shopping, I vote we hook up the Home Depot men and give us ladies some backup! We don't need them to come do it, just tell us how to not blow our houses up while we try.
I have a bag just like this, except it's purple. And my tools are much better. Like cordless power drill better.
• Complimentary food delivery, no matter where you live. I live in the boondocks I know, but if I pay good money for your food, you can bring it to me. It averages out with the folks that live a block away from your store.
Also, cookbooks and recipies for ONE. Eating out is expensive, it gets old fast, and it's just not as good for you. Plus you can't go in your floppy tshirt and no bra and makeupless face. There is nothing harder than cooking good food for just one person and not having so many leftovers they go bad before you get sick of eating them.
Protection:
• Security Guard Service for those late night noises that sound like robbers and creepy stalker guys. And to occasionally walk the dog when it's after dark and we don't want to go outside and get murdered.
• Scary Movie Companion Service. We aren't scared to watch them, we're just scared to watch them alone.
• Free tasers and/or pepper spray provided to us by the police department. I believe every college age and young adult woman who is ever out alone should carry one. If you've ever been to Tupelo's West Main Street Walmart, or to the city of Columbus in general (Caitlyn...) you know how it is to feel vulnerable and threatened.
Shopping:
• Valet Parking at Wal-Mart for rainy days, because everybody knows it's the husband's job to go get the car and bring it around to the door so you don't get soaking wet.
• Gas Pumping Service. We can pump our own gas, we just don't like do. Especially if it's rainy or cold. Or we have nice clothes on. Or it's late and the gas station is skanky. And of course, the man pumping the gas would be a gentlemanly nice man, not some toothless old redneck creeperman.
Just for Fun:
• Rent-A-Ring - Sometimes you just need a ring on THAT finger. It gets you out of some situations you'd rather not be in - guys you don't want to date, people always asking 'When are you gonna get married?'... plus, it's just dang fun to shop! I say they should let us single gals try out the rings. One day of wedding ring bliss. Product testing, we'll call it. We have to decide which one we'll want one day after all, right?
Does this ring make my hand look small? Nevermind, I just grow my nails out :)
• Single's Night for restaurants so we can go out to eat alone and not be stared at like lepers. Sometimes I just want to eat Olive Garden, and I don't want to have to hire somebody to sit across the table from me just to make me look normal. Same thing applies for movie theaters. Bonus - we might actually meet our Prince Charmings! And no PDA from the teenagers making out in the back row.
• A sign, t-shirt, tattoo, something for every wedding or family event we have to go to that says ‘At weddings everyone kept asking me when I was next, so I started doing the same to them at funerals.’ Yes, we’re still single. No, we aren’t doing it on purpose.
Yes! I say we're entitled to all this! And much much more! We're single, but that just makes us all the more precious to society I think :) Enjoy ladies!
